everything i write is absolute garbage. but it's my garbage and i love it.

this newsletter is entering it's rebranding arc. bear with me.

dear reader,

this newsletter is taking a turn, so bear with me while i try to explain how we got here, where we’re headed, and why i’ve gotta hit the reset. when i first discovered substack, i toyed with the idea of using it as an online diary—a space to release my thoughts, big feelings, and the occasional story with zero expectation of attention in return. i had zero subscribers and zero plans to advertise to change that.

in my original "about me" section, i mentioned being a long-time fan of tumblr vent posts, a journalism student, and a neurodivergent young man who desperately needed a space to speak freely, entirely separate from any other social media platform. struggling with being a public figure, i wanted something new. my only hope was that this project would spark a new flame within me, a practice space for writing until i felt ready to take up space as a real writer—

then i got an email. substack was looking for video creators to join the platform as part of a new creator collective! i thought, “AYO! i’m a video creator; this sounds like something i could do.” in a burst of excitement, i applied, went through the interview process, waited a few days or weeks to hear back from substack, and then—i got selected! yay, right? it was official. i was a substack creator. with this role came plenty of opportunities and a setup for success. everything seemed perfect, divinely timed even. i signed the contract outlining my (entirely reasonable) responsibilities and expectations. foolishly, i underestimated how quickly this opportunity would send me into a spiral of imposter syndrome and trigger my executive dysfunction. great. just fucking great.

don’t get me wrong, those first ambition-fueled weeks were a dream come true. i felt unstoppable. i sat at my desk, filmed my introduction, developed a posting schedule, set up my notion, came up with hundreds of video ideas, and completed a fool-proof to-do list i titled “substack gameplan.” everything was going according to plan! suck on that, adhd. i was doing it!

then i started my first semester of grad school. “it’s fine,” i thought. “i just have to write that research paper, study a few chapters in my textbook, respond to a classmate’s discussion post by 11:59 pm yesterday, and THEN i can sit and film that video.”

wait, then my psychiatrist suggested i try new meds. hmm, maybe i should let myself adjust to those before i write about the experience. okay, i’ll just do it later.

wait, but now my home life flipped upside down. “it’s okay,” i thought. “i’ll turn the garage into a creative studio—just gotta clear this, spray-paint that, move everything around a dozen times, set up my filming desk, and THEN i’ll get back to substack.”

oh, but wait—I met a girl. it’s okay; one phone call won’t hurt. i’ll just talk to her for a little before working on that script. wait—it’s been 4 hours? no big deal. i’ll write tomorrow.

oh shit, my manager posted my schedule. no problem; i’ll just write when i get home from my 10-hour shifts. i’ll totally have the brainpower after a week of doubles.

do you see where this is going? have i mentioned my terrible time management skills? it’s safe to say my life caught all the way up to me, and the initial rush of excitement hasn’t been strong enough to wake me up in the morning to write, or script, or film, or edit. so after plenty of excuses, lying to myself, sleepless nights spent bargaining with myself, and a couple mental breakdowns, i gave up. then i gave myself loads of shit for it.

so that’s where i’ve been, caught in circumstances that demand i engage with my external environment, leaving little time to nurture the berating voice inside my head that begs i nourish the creative madman i somehow lost touch with.

wait, but i shouldn’t complain. this is what dreams are made of. do you know how many substack creators would kill for an opportunity like this? i’m a featured creator. c’mon, there are a few hundred subscribers now (wow, some even pay to see my work). okay, great, but how do i make it good? these scripts kinda suck. is this one good enough? wait, what am i even saying? is this even worth the $5? fuck, i’m spiraling again. fuck, i’m caught in the loop again. miguel, you sound insane. it’s fine! just write!

dear reader,

i’ve lost my shit. it’s far from together, and i don’t know how to fix it. i’m logging off and touching grass. bye. that’s all i’ve got. okay, bye.

that up there is about all i’ve been able to write these past few weeks; insanely deprecating words and bitter goodbyes with no real substance. not good enough, so i did what i do best—logged off and pretended this newsletter didn’t matter to me anymore. i told myself i’d come back after graduating, once i was a “real” writer.

but here’s the thing about writing: it’s the one art that reminds me my inner world exists. when i write, i release feelings that would otherwise sit as a knot in the back of my throat. writing is all i have left to keep from losing myself to the bullshit that comes with being a broke grad student living in a capitalist society, with no clear path and little creative confidence. so, even though i often think my writing is absolute garbage, i have no choice but to reverse my premature resignation and try it all over again.

so that’s what i’m gonna do. i’m going to write. i’m not sure when i’ll post a video again—hopefully sooner rather than later, but i refuse to make promises. for now, i’m going back to the original plan. this newsletter is entering its tumblr vent post arc! what will i be writing about? to be determined. all i know is that i’m determined to write as if no one is reading.

so where does that leave you? where does that leave us? well, that’s up to you. if you’d like to read and choose to stick around to see what this turns into, know that i’m grateful and can only hope you find something worth the read on this page. as for paid subscriptions, nothing much will change—posts that are too personal will be behind a paywall, but i plan to publish more free posts, too.

xoxo,

miguel